Why do women have so many purses?

I have tried to figure something out that absolutely amazes me. In fact, I don’t think there is an answer for it. It is one of the wonders of the world that escapes the answers of the wisest of men. What is it? Women and purses.

I just don’t get it. They have blue ones. They have gray ones. They have blue ones with gray. They have ones with pockets. They have ones without pockets. They have one that goes with only one dress (that they haven’t worn in seven years). Is there an answer to the madness?

I’ve given it some deep thought and I know the answer. It’s because they’re messing with our (the men’s) mind. It’s a psychology tactic to get us to go insane. It’s part of a mastermind to get us to go crazy. If you think about it, there is no need for it.

They only need two purses. One gray one and one black one. Those two colors will go with everything. Each purse should have plenty of pockets on the outside. One of the pockets needs a big “C” imprinted on it so they’ll know that’s where the cell phone is, so they can answer it before it quits ringing.

As a guy, I have one wallet. Everything I need is in that wallet; my debit card, my credit card, my insurance card, and some folded up receipts that I don’t why they’re still in there. That’s all I need. I don’t need a piece of luggage to carry with me everywhere I go. Every day is not a trip. If I go on a trip, I’ll take my luggage. Otherwise, I leave it at home.

Now, after saying all of that, I want to make sure and mention the things that guys need that are in a totally different category. In fact, it is in no way related to the purse example I have eloquently explained above. It’s a totally different category.

Cell Phone: Every one to two years, we HAVE to get a new cell phone. It’s not that we want it. It’s that technology has so drastically changed that we won’t be able to communicate unless we update. As we get older, our eyes are not as good as they used to be so we need a bigger screen. As our music collection grows, we need more space to keep it on the phone. We also need more apps so that we can be more productive in our days.

Cars: It’s an absolute must to upgrade cars every so often. We don’t “want” a new yellow Transformers Edition Camaro. We “need” it. It is the most advanced piece of machinery on earth. By having Bumblebee with us everywhere we go, we are ensuring the safety of our loved ones and ourselves. You never know when Megatron will show up and try to blow up the world. We HAVE to have the yellow Special Edition Camaro. It’s a must.

Gadgets: I could have detailed it more, but “gadgets” covers a lot of necessities that guys need. For the sake of time, I’ll mention one: A solar charger for our cell phones. What if the world entered World War III and we couldn’t charge our cell phones. What would we do? In comes the solar powered cell phone charger. It doesn’t matter that we never go camping and that we’re always close to a wall outlet. It’s all about preparation. We NEED this in order to protect ourselves and our families. We may need to call Optimus Prime in case Bumblebee get’s hurt. We’ve got to have this.

TV’s: Every few years, technology has a major breakthrough that shifts the entire world. What is it? The overall size and thickness of flatscreen TV’s. As they get wider and thinner, we HAVE to upgrade. Sports is how many men communicate. We don’t ask about the weather. We don’t ask about the news. We ask “Did you see that game Saturday?”. Therefore, in order to talk business with other men, we have to see every aspect of sports.

Here’s a hidden tip: The TV screen only shows part of the action. It limits what you can see. Therefore, in order to see what is outside of the screen and out of view, we HAVE to get a bigger TV.

I hope they serve ice cream in Heaven

Heaven will be our eternal home, and I look forward to it. It will be a place of peace, love, reuniting with friends and family, and ice cream?

If I had my wish, that’s exactly right. I love ice cream. I’ve found out that I have to eat less of this as I get older because it seems to add weight easier. It’s like it’s some kind of rude joke. But in heaven, I could eat all the ice cream I want and wouldn’t have to worry about weight. That sounds awesome!

If ice cream was in heaven, this would be my top 5 places to get it that I hope to see on the corner.

 

Number 5: TCBY

I know, it’s not actually ice cream, it’s yogurt. But it sure does taste like ice cream. The vanilla yogurt from this place is awesome. It makes the tummy feel good.

TCBY_bowl

 

Number 4: Ben and Jerry’s

Almost sounding like the cartoon characters, this ice cream company that the two brothers created in 1978 is wonderful. There’s all kinda of cool flavors like Salted Caramel, Peanut Butter Fudge, Cookie Dough, That’s My Jam, Banana Split…Should I go on?

Ben-And-Jerry-s-ice-cream-33721815-2942-3922

 

 

Number 3: Baskin Robins

They have ice cream cake. They have banana splits. They have the Oreo 31 Below. They have ice cream floats. Did I mention they have ice cream cakes?

 

baskin-robbins1

 

 

Number 2: Kay’s Ice Cream

If you are familiar with the Knoxville, Tennessee area, and have been around long enough, you’ll remember a giant ice cream cone on Chapman Highway. How could you not want ice cream after seeing that giant ice cream cone? Oh, and it was good. The Milkshakes make your mouth water!!

Kay's Ice Cream

 

 

Number 1: Chick-fil-A

A number of people will probably disagree with this one, but I don’t care. I didn’t know that homemade ice cream could be purchased anywhere. I’m still waiting to hear the churn of a line of buckets making home made ice cream somewhere behind the Chick-fil-A counters. Their milkshake is so good, I almost have to stop and say a thankful prayer in the middle of drinking it. This would be the showcase location in heaven.

 

Milkshake chickfila

Facebook needs an “Ok” button

I “like” when I see a cool cat knocking things over, I “like” when a kid does something that embarrasses their parent. I even “like” when I see my favorite food. And I do “like” when someone shares something sad. And you know what, I feel weird when I do that. I don’t really like it, but I “Like” it. Ten years ago that statement wouldn’t have made sense, but it does now!

How about an “ok” button. C’mon Facebook, put it right beside the “like” button. If someone lost their dog, I don’t want to “like” it, but I can “ok” it. I guess that wasn’t a good example. Let’s try this again. If someone had a tree fall on their car, I don’t want to “like” it, but I can “ok” it. Well no I really can’t. Let’s try this one last time. If someone stubs their toe and falls over the recliner, I don’t want to “like” it, but I can “ok” it. Never mind.

Heck with it. Facebook, you need an “acknowledge” button.

Finally, it’s over

Around a year ago there was a great tragedy. Something was taken from me that was unthinkable. I didn’t know if I would have the chance to see it again or not. It was all over the news. People everywhere were in shock just like I was. It was too hard to swallow the fact that it was now gone.

The community came together and voiced their love for it. Candlelight vigils were held. Signs were made. Children cried from Mississippi to North Dakota. Life would never be the same.

The news media helped. They got the word out. People were talking about it. I was even interviewed by a local news crew about my loss. It was the bottom of the barrel.

It’s Official: The World Is Ending Saturday

Free image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Free image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

When the sun rises Saturday morning, devastation will be only a whisper away. As people go through their normal routines that morning, they won’t be aware of what is actually happening in the world outside their home. As they start their car and head to town, they will be blinded by a sight they never thought they would actually see. When they pull into the Chick-fil-A to get their normal breakfast item, they will see words that will send chills to their bones.

Closed For Remodel July 14

Could there be any more dire words in the english language? Could there be a more devastating moment as that? As people run to the doors and look inside, they will see nothing but darkness. As they sit in their cars at the drive-thru speaker, they will hear nothing but silence. People will be in shock at first and then desperation will set in. The sweet tea junkies and milkshake minions won’t be able to take it anymore. Riots will break out in the streets and protest signs hoisted into the air. Little children will stand at the entrance holding their kids meal story books waiting to trade it for ice cream. All of humanity will be lost.

As the evening settles on the first day and the wounds of war begin to make stomachs ache, people will realize that there isn’t any “chikin”. There will be no sound of mooing in the air and no “may I help you please” ringing through the car windows. People will be at a loss for words. “The end has arrived” will be spoken by every man and woman alike. The realization of the moment will sink in. They will realize that for several weeks, there will be no Chick-fil-A.

Unless they visit one of the convenient other East Tennessee locations until the Oak Ridge site reopens in August.

 
Did you enjoy the story? If so, it was my pleasure.

 

 
What is your favorite Chick-fil-A item on the menu?

 
Copyright © 2012 – Chris W. Lawson